Well, it's done.
D-Day for the England players has arrived, the calls have been made, careers have been defined and broken in an instant. Shouts of joy and the clap of high-fives are cancelled out by the soft sounds of sobbing and the gentle scraping of a baseball bat being dragged towards Stuart Lancaster's car. That means it's time for a review of the head honcho's calls – what's he got right and wrong in my unenlightened opinion? What's the safe, unadventurous call, and what's the balls-out, "take-that" decision? Or something like that.
I've thought long and hard about how to present this, but when the England squad news came out I was chatting with some colleagues, admittedly with a certain level of cruel humour, about the dwindling careers of ex-gameshow hosts – think Michael Barrymore, Matthew Kelly and Les Dennis. You can't say I don't focus on the rugby issues. Anyway, I've decided to copy that old classic, Family Fortunes in terms of approval/disapproval sounds – specifically, a nice 'ding' for "good call", and a harsh 'Wah-wah' for "oh for f*ck's sake". And when we get to a controversial selection – in red, with big capital letters – try to imagine that classic "AWOOGA" alarm sound on repeat.
If you've got that, you have my respect. Now, let's play Stuart Lancaster's Family Fortunes…
Props
Joe Marler: Safe call with minimal controversy, unlike his haircut. Looked very rusty against France though and, having missed so much of late last season due to injury, he worryingly didn't look match ready in his last outing. Our survey says: DING!
Dan Cole: Despite a disappointing showing against Les Bleus, the 'polar bear' is still probably the first name on the teamsheet and it's doubtful we'll see him second-best in the scrum too many times. Still superb over the ball, too. Our survey says: DING!
Mako Vunipola: Questions still remain over his scrummaging but his power and athleticism look to have gone up a notch over the summer. Despite having freakishly long earlobes, he's a great bench option to have. Our survey says: DING!
Dave Wilson: Ah Davey, you part-time truck-driver you. I hadn't included him in my original selection but he is a solid operator and has been around the squad a long time. Showed enough in his substitute appearances to remind us of his solidarity. Our survey says: DING!
Kieran Brookes: CONTROVERSY ALERT. Big and beardy, that should be enough for any forward to get the nod. But beyond that, Brookes has shown that he is a real handful with the ball in hand and is usually a solid operator in the scrum (and can work both sides), notwithstanding his recent struggles against Les Bleus. But is he good enough to replace Alex Corbisiero? I would say, currently, yes. Corbs hasn't looked the same since his injuries following the Lions tour and, to be frank, is a liability in the set piece these days as referees seem to pick up on his angling in on a regular basis. His fitness also always remains under the spotlight. Our survey says: DING!
Hookers
Tom Youngs: Like most of the hookers he has to be selected by default in Hartley's absence. But there's no questioning what he brings to the side by way of his workrate, tackling and carrying attributes. The age-old question about his throwing remains, though, and the coaches have to figure out why a player who has a 90%+ success rate for his club can't hit the mark for his country. Our survey says: DING!
Rob Webber: I wouldn't have selected him personally, because I think he's had a pants season. But, like Wilson, he is a pretty solid presence and has been around the squad for a while now and so is a fairly safe pick. Needs to work on not looking like a gardener, however. Our survey says: DING! But only due to lack of other options...
Jamie George: CONTROVERSY ALERT. The Saracens man wouldn't even be in the extended squad if Dylan Hartley hadn't inadvisably banged his bonce in George's direction, but here he is, having leap-frogged Exeter youngster Luke Cowan-Dickie. LCD was the hot name on everyone's lips for a while, but his cameo against France counted badly against him – although all the hookers didn't exactly enjoy success in the lineout, he was the only one to clearly over/underthrow his deliveries under pressure. His mullet also has to come under severe questioning. In any event, George has shown this season that he has the potential to be the complete hooker, so would have been in for either Webber or Cowan-Dickie in any event – he currently has the bench spot in my opinion. Our survey says: DING!
Locks
Courtney Lawes: Big old Courtney was always going to be a shoe-in, even if he was worryingly soft in Paris. England will want to see much more of him cutting pansy fly-halfs in two, in accordance with his usual service, as the World Cup progresses. Our survey says: DING!
Joe Launchbury: Looked worryingly short of match-fitness, for me, but I suspect the bullying he received against the French will have put him good stead. It doesn't help, however, that he has the face of cherub – Bakkies Botha got his reputation by looking and acting like a furious alligator, not Cupid. Our survey says: DING!
Geoff Parling: Mr Beard of the Year is also Mr Industry in the England pack, but questions always remain about whether or not he is physical enough to handle the really nasty packs. Judging by the problems England have, however, he may be a necessity for his lineout knowledge. Our survey says: DING!
George Kruis: CONTROVERSY ALERT. To be fair to the Saracens man, he's had a cracking year. He's come from being 7th choice lock, behind Attwood, Slater and Kitchener, to making the World Cup squad and he does have a reassuring snarl about him that perhaps the others lack. But, for me, Dave Attwood should feel pretty hard done by – he didn't get to start either of the warm up games but added some energy when he came on, and he has the size and aggression to offer something different, too. Our survey says: WAH-WAH!
Back Rows
James Haskell: Brilliant one week, crap the next, Brand Haskell hasn't really nailed down that whole 'consistency' bit yet. I do like his energy though and, when he's on form, he is bruising presence to have in that 6 shirt. No-brainer for me. As in, it's a simple selection, I'm not calling him a 'no-brainer'. Well, certainly not to his face. Our survey says: DING!
Chris Robshaw: He's the captain, so duh, he's in. Cue lazy arguments about him not being a 'proper openside' despite statistically wiping the floor with his northern hemisphere rivals in the Six Nations – but he has to find that form again quickly if England are to have a hope. Our survey says: DING!
Billy Vunipola: The big man was a one man wrecking ball during the Six Nations but was worryingly easily contained against France – for me, he took the ball far too many times when standing still. When he's on the charge, however, he's a completely different prospect. Needs to watch his discipline. Our survey says: DING!
Tom Wood: Meh. That's the only noise I can raise about Tom Wood these days. He seems to have lost that athleticism that really set him apart in his early years and doesn't offer enough grunt in the loose for my liking. But there's no doubting his experience, line-out and leadership qualities, so I guess it's a straightforward call. That said, if Steffon Armitage was in the mix and/or Sam Burgess was being considered as a blindside, I think – on form – he'd struggle to get in. Give Maro Itoje another year, too, and he'd be right up there. Our survey says: DING! But only because Armitage and Burgess weren't in the recking...
Ben Morgan: CONTROVERY ALERT. Morgan looked like one of the premier eights in world rugby during the summer and the Autumn Internationals, so the controversy isn't really about his quality – it's about his fitness after eight months out with a broken leg and an invisible 40 minutes against France in London. Nick Easter is the man to miss out, despite showing up well in training and off the bench in Paris and having bags of character and experience, but I suspect that the England management are banking on Morgan regaining his fizz quickly before the tournament starts. If he can get that from training and from another warm-up game in Paris, I think it's the right call. Our survey says: DING!
Scrum Halves
Ben Youngs: Another easy selection, really. He was very quiet against France but he had no platform to work from, but he offers the best balance of the nines in terms of tactical ability and running threat. He's developed into a leader to, but England have to hope he can rediscover his Six Nations form sooner rather than later. Our survey says: DING!
Richard Wigglesworth: Not particularly sexy, as far as scrum-halves go, is our Richard. I should clarify, I mean that in a playing sense. But when you have two scrum halves who love to attack and enjoy broken, open games, having an option who can offer a bit more control is not a bad shout at all. Our survey says: DING!
Danny Care: Hmm. Not especially controversial, but I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that he was absolute horse-manure last season. Which was odd because he was spectacularly good in 2014. But his decision-making has generally been pretty appalling and we unfortunately haven't had a chance to see if he's fixed that in his two cameos off the bench. If Joe Simpson was fit – and I'm not sure if he is – he'd get my vote after an electric season. Our survey says: WAH WAH!
Fly Halves
George Ford: Still the man in control of the 10 shirt, but his last two starts – against Saracens and against France – have again raised questions about whether he can perform under pressure and play the tactical game needed in tight games. An attacking genius, however. Our survey says: DING!
Owen Farrell: Yes, he's pretty uninspiring, but he's reliable, a tough tackler and a superb kicker (sound familiar?) and that, for me, is invaluable in a World Cup squad. Almost an easier decision than Ford, even if he doesn't start. Our survey says: DING!
Centres
Brad Barritt: Out of curiosity, when was the last time England had a centre who didn't have their nose smeared across their face (think Mike Tindall)? Anyway, despite having taken a knock and missing the warm-ups, he's had a cracking season and is the sort of solid, aggressive, nuggetty centre you probably need when you have Ford and a livewire like Joseph either side. Our survey says: DING!
Jonathan Joseph: Just yes. Even if Manu was fit and not shoving coppers, I don't think he'd get the 13 shirt off this man (the 12 shirt is another question, though…). Electric acceleration and quick feet, he's got the x-factor England need in the backline. Our survey says: DING!
Henry Slade: CONTROVERSY ALERT. We all seem to be in the middle of a Henry Slade love-in at the moment, but I will admit he was impressive against France on debut. He has a superb all-round skillset and doesn't seem to mind pressure, either, which clearly works in his favour (as does being another fly-half option). I'm not convinced, but his versatility probably swings it – and there's no doubt he's in a better run of form than Twelvetrees, who has looked all at sea in his cameos, despite trumping in the experience stakes. Our survey says: DING!
Sam Burgess: CONTROVERSY ALERT. Ah, the headline maker. Look, the bloke is a phenomenal athlete but, when he stands at 12, does he not just look like a flanker playing in the centre? I should know, because I am one myself. I think he would have had a look-in at 6 (see above), notwithstanding the fact he's not a lineout option, but in the centres he doesn't have the pace and is too exposed for my liking. He'll give everything and, if called upon, there is every chance he could step up to the plate and perform. But is that unrealised potential worth taking ahead of the established Luther Burrell, even if the Northampton man hasn't been at his best over the last season? Some would say yes – I, boringly, would say no. Not at a world cup. Burrell should, quite rightly, be hacked off at being left out. In my view, though, neither would make the cut as a centre because their spot would be filled by the electric, versatile and big-booted Elliot Daly. But there we go. Our survey says: WAH-WAH!
Wings
Anthony Watson: He looks very, very sharp at the moment. Has the feet and acceleration to beat defenders in minimal space – which is good enough by itself – but the fact he plays fullback regularly means he is a good option under the high ball. An easy call. Our survey says: DING!
Jack Nowell: I've made my feelings about his rats-tail, and about wingers who wear scrum caps in general, abundantly clear, but I'm willing to look past that because he is another winger who seems to have that ability to just slip past defenders. He's deceptively strong and, like Watson, has experience in the 15 shirt, so this is another good call for me. Our survey says: DING!
Jonny May: Not a controversial call, given that he was one of just three wingers in the squad, but I'm still yet to be convinced – even though he has apparently been looking very sharp in training and performed well against France. We've seen him flap at the high ball too much and have 'one of those days' where he seems to spend all his time running sideways – if he is genuinely back in the groove, then great. If not, then my choice would have been Marland Yarde. He hasn't had an easy season but his raw power and pace frightens teams – and even the All Blacks struggled to handle him. Our survey says: WAH-WAH!
Full Backs
Mike Brown: Another nice, easy call. After missing for several months with concussion, Brown was one of the few bright sparks in Paris and seems to have retained that ability to win 90% of his aerial battles and wriggle out of challenges, all whilst looking like the sort of character you expect to see nabbing WKDs from his local offy. I'd still like to see him join the line more, though. Our survey says: DING!
Alex Goode: CONTROVERSY ALERT. Poor Alex. Not only does he share the surname with arguably THE least fashionable person to ever wear an England shirt (sorry, Andy, mate) but he also just seems to be perennially slated for, well, not much. He's had a fine season for Sarries, and he showed some touches of real class against the French, as he did against Ireland in the Six Nations. But he doesn't offer that real thrust, pace and directness that fans love from a 15 – nobody gets on their feet when they see Goode running the ball back (like they do with Brown, Folau, Smith etc) do they? The fact is that he has taken the spot targeted by Danny Cipriani, and my vote would have gone with the Sale man. The fact is that he has shedloads of international class, as he showed in his bench-appearance at the weekend, and offers a real point of difference and quality. Some might say that to select him leaves us shy of cover at full back, but then we have to remember that 15 is Watson's preferred position and Nowell played there for the Under-20s in their title-winning season (also, had Daly been selected, 15 cover wouldn't have been a problem). For me, Cipriani would have been the correct call – not because I don't rate Goode, but simply because Danny is, in my view, better. Our survey says: WAH-WAH!
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