Oh dear.
Although I wish to avoid bagging myself a catchphrase, the sad fact is that I say "What the hell do I know?" after a game far too many times for someone who fancies themselves as a rugby 'blogger' (I was called a poor man's Jeremy Guscott the other day, which at first I was delighted with when I thought it put my centre play on the same page as one of country's finest in that position; less so when I realised they were referring to his bum-clenchingly crap punditry). But I found myself muttering that phrase once again on Saturday night after I had confidently predicted that a fired-up England team would step up to the plate and put down a marker – especially in the pack – ahead of the World Cup. Well, a marker was set down, but not by the English. Instead, the French seem – in typical Frenchy fashion – to building up a bit of momentum going into the global showpiece and, for the second week running, they shunted an English eight all over the park.
Despite both sides fielding arguably first choice packs – many of whom who had played in England's hammering of Les Bleus in the Six Nations – there was a sense that this would be a game where the visiting pack would get on top and physically dominate their opponents. With a quarter of the game gone, it was clear that this notion was very, very wrong.
Of course, I should point out that the men in white did hand the hosts their early lead pretty much on a plate. After two minutes Scott Spedding had slammed over a penalty following a lazy attempt to roll away by Luther Burrell, supposedly a man on a mission after Sam Burgess and Henry Slade had impressed the week before, and then that man who defines the word 'mercurial', Freddie Michalak added another 3 just five minutes later, after Dan Cole had come in at the side after Ben Youngs had done well to hold the ball up out of a ruck. I actually thought that this was a pretty harsh call – Youngs latched onto Damian Chouly to hold the ball up, leading to Jaco Peyper to declare the ball out of the ruck, which usually means 'free for all'. So the Leicester tighthead, assuming it was now open play, trundled in from the side to try and hold the ball up, only to be informed that Peyper had intended for a maul to already be in progress, despite not declaring it as such. Now that is a very boring couple of sentences, I admit, but it does serve to highlight how important it is for referees to communicate with players clearly…and how important it is for props just to avoid getting involved in 'loose play' altogether.
The French were dominating possession and, worryingly for England after their wobbles the previous week, the lineout was still not overly reliable – with one in every three throws going awry. Tom Youngs inevitably, and correctly, got a lot of stick for this but, looking at the missed lineouts, I don't think it is all to do with the throw. This is the second week in a row where the French have easily read the plays and simply got up next to, or marginally in front of, the English jumpers to pinch the pill. This didn't change when Jamie George came on later, either, which shouts to me that there is a bigger issue with the lineout – one to do with the calls, or even the plays themselves, which are far too easy to read – rather than the oversimplified 'blame the thrower mentality'. Anyway, England had no platform, no ball and were only saved from being further behind when Brown superbly plucked a deft chip out of the air with Yoann Huget challenging hard. Michalak did punish them further in the 15th minute though, when Billy Vunipola was penalised for offside.
Things went from bad to worse just two minutes later as the English front row – usually so dominant – was completely marmalised in the scrum to hand another 3 points to the hosts, and Stuart Lancaster's side were 12 down with just 20 gone. This wasn't how it was meant to be, but this was an English side that lacked any sort of fire or aggression from the pack in the loose – something that is usually ever-present in England teams. A glimmer of hope was given to the visitors when Cole earned a penalty following good work in a ruck after the restart, but then the rest of the half followed the early precedent – only, fortunately, with only one further 3-pointer for the French. England had barely had 30% possession and, when they did have it, the passing was lethargic and runs badly timed, with George Ford looking particularly 'off'. However, against the run of play, they did manage to claw back another 3 points when the French were caught offside following a powerful burst from Burrell, leaving the halftime score at 15 – 6. But this flattered the visitors.
The steep hill that faced England became a mountain shortly after the restart when, despite a promising start from the visitors thanks to a Jack Nowell dart, Michalak delightfully sent Huget searing through the line with a delightful inside ball, and the classy winger stepped passed Brown to finish expertly by the sticks. Michalak's conversion ensured the hosts were well in control and, to really hammer home the point, another penalty gave Les Bleus a seemingly unassailable 19 point lead with only 15 minutes left to play.
England, truthfully, could have been further behind were it not for some impressive defending, and they had looked as threatening as a bag of bunnies in attack, but the introductions of Jamie George, Danny Care, Nick Easter and, in particular, Danny Cipriani, seemed to spark England into some sort of life with their energetic approach in the loose. Or perhaps a cynic would say it was the French taking their foot off the gas. Either way, England finally generated some momentum through their pack and grabbed some field position and – from a lineout – Danny Cipriani should great pace and awareness to hold off Huget and crash over for the try. On the 70 minute mark, this was just a consolation, surely?
Well, you would have thought so. But just 5 minutes later, the visitors were over again as Cipriani, Vunipola and Brown expertly worked an overlap to send Jonathan Joseph scorching over into the left hand corner, and Ford's expert conversion had England, unbelievably, within a score with just one minute to play.
Ultimately, it was too little, too late. But they came close, surging to within 10 metres of the French line before a superb, thumping hit by Huget on Billy Vunipola forced the knock on, and the end of the game. The final score was 25 – 20, a deserved win for the French that was undeservedly kind on the English, who simply weren't at the races for 65 minutes.
That stats though, make for confusing reading. England made more ground in attack, beat more defenders and made more clean breaks, and they missed less tackles. How could they have been so comprehensively outplayed? Well, the statistics don't measure the tough inches. The blades of grass you claw your way across to get your side on the front foot. They don't measure the collisions in the tackle or the rucks. They don't show which was a side bullying the other, and which one was spectacularly second best in every department, aside from a few fleeting moments of promise.
OK, there's no need to despair. This is what warm-up games are for; to get these performances out of the system. But the best tonic for that is a good performance, and fast – because time is now up.
England Player Ratings
1. Joe Marler: 4. Really struggled in the scrum, where his bind with Youngs was regularly split by Slimani. Pretty invisible in the loose, too. Looked rusty, unlike his freshly-prepped haircut.
2. Tom Youngs: 4. England's top tackler with 16 – in just 50 minutes – but the old lineout worries have come back to haunt him again. He's not entirely to blame but it doesn't instil confidence.
3. Dan Cole: 5. Disappointing for a man who probably has the mantle of the best tighthead in world rugby. Second best in the scrum, although the damage was really done on the other side, and gave away a silly penalty – although his work over the ball was again impressive.
4. Joe Launchbury: 5. Battled bravely and made his tackles, but was frankly bullied by his opposite numbers. Very little bite in the breakdown and in the contact area – another to look rusty.
5. Courtney Lawes: 6. Like his baby-faced partner in crime, he was physically outdone for most of the game, but came into his element in the wider channels a bit later.
6. James Haskell: 5. Selected for his physicality and he didn't deliver – which is a shame after he impressed so much in his cameo last week.
7. Chris Robshaw: 6. Annoyingly, he would have given his detractors lots of ammo after England were bossed at the breakdown. I think this was because of the lack of bite in the tackle area, more than anything else, but at least Robshaw once again impressed in the tackle count.
8. Billy Vunipola: 5. The stats show that he made more metres than any other forward, but it didn't feel that way. He was worryingly easy to contain – simply double teamed most of the time and failed to make the metres needed. Once crunching tackle does stick in the mind, though.
9. Ben Youngs: 6. Not a game to be a sniping half-back. Starved of possession and no decent ball in the first half, but swept well enough and helped win a turnover.
10. George Ford: 5. Worryingly out of sync. His passing and decision making was uncharacteristically erratic – he grew into the game in the second half, but questions about his ability to perform under pressure will surely crop up again.
11. Jonny May: 5. I have to concede I had completely forgotten he was playing. Utterly invisible but not really his fault, as he was starved of possession.
12. Luther Burrell: 6. A couple of good, direct runs caught the eye but so did two brainless and unnecessary penalties. I still don't know how much he can really offer in the midfield.
13. Jonathan Joseph: 7. No ball to work with in the first half but gradually got a couple of opportunities, and we saw him show his pace for a try. Always a threat with his quick feet.
14. Jack Nowell: 8. Seems to have that Mike Brown-esque ability to always beat the first man, and – with TEN defenders beaten – was the most effective attacker on the park. Has probably sealed himself a starting spot. Such a shame about his sh*t haircut, though.
15. Mike Brown: 7. A promising return for Brown, who showed up well with a couple of slithery runbacks which got England onto the front foot. Didn't see him in the line a lot though.
Subs: 8. Danny Cipriani was electric when he came onto the field and grabbed a deserved try, whilst Jamie George and Nick Easter both added energy in the loose. George's lineout throwing wasn't much better than Youngs' though, and the rest of the bench was solid – with the exception of Twelvetrees, who was guff and spent most of his time chucking the ball on the floor.
2. Tom Youngs: 4. England's top tackler with 16 – in just 50 minutes – but the old lineout worries have come back to haunt him again. He's not entirely to blame but it doesn't instil confidence.
3. Dan Cole: 5. Disappointing for a man who probably has the mantle of the best tighthead in world rugby. Second best in the scrum, although the damage was really done on the other side, and gave away a silly penalty – although his work over the ball was again impressive.
4. Joe Launchbury: 5. Battled bravely and made his tackles, but was frankly bullied by his opposite numbers. Very little bite in the breakdown and in the contact area – another to look rusty.
5. Courtney Lawes: 6. Like his baby-faced partner in crime, he was physically outdone for most of the game, but came into his element in the wider channels a bit later.
6. James Haskell: 5. Selected for his physicality and he didn't deliver – which is a shame after he impressed so much in his cameo last week.
7. Chris Robshaw: 6. Annoyingly, he would have given his detractors lots of ammo after England were bossed at the breakdown. I think this was because of the lack of bite in the tackle area, more than anything else, but at least Robshaw once again impressed in the tackle count.
8. Billy Vunipola: 5. The stats show that he made more metres than any other forward, but it didn't feel that way. He was worryingly easy to contain – simply double teamed most of the time and failed to make the metres needed. Once crunching tackle does stick in the mind, though.
9. Ben Youngs: 6. Not a game to be a sniping half-back. Starved of possession and no decent ball in the first half, but swept well enough and helped win a turnover.
10. George Ford: 5. Worryingly out of sync. His passing and decision making was uncharacteristically erratic – he grew into the game in the second half, but questions about his ability to perform under pressure will surely crop up again.
11. Jonny May: 5. I have to concede I had completely forgotten he was playing. Utterly invisible but not really his fault, as he was starved of possession.
12. Luther Burrell: 6. A couple of good, direct runs caught the eye but so did two brainless and unnecessary penalties. I still don't know how much he can really offer in the midfield.
13. Jonathan Joseph: 7. No ball to work with in the first half but gradually got a couple of opportunities, and we saw him show his pace for a try. Always a threat with his quick feet.
14. Jack Nowell: 8. Seems to have that Mike Brown-esque ability to always beat the first man, and – with TEN defenders beaten – was the most effective attacker on the park. Has probably sealed himself a starting spot. Such a shame about his sh*t haircut, though.
15. Mike Brown: 7. A promising return for Brown, who showed up well with a couple of slithery runbacks which got England onto the front foot. Didn't see him in the line a lot though.
Subs: 8. Danny Cipriani was electric when he came onto the field and grabbed a deserved try, whilst Jamie George and Nick Easter both added energy in the loose. George's lineout throwing wasn't much better than Youngs' though, and the rest of the bench was solid – with the exception of Twelvetrees, who was guff and spent most of his time chucking the ball on the floor.
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