RuckedOver's Premiership Rugby Awards Ceremony

Well, I've left it a bit later than usual, but I didn't want these awards to be tarnished within a sea of other awards - the Premiership Rugby Awards, Sky Sports Awards...yawn.  This is the coveted sought after prize that, I'm sure, all professional players aspire to.  If you're a lucky/deserved winner, please email me with your details and I will send you this year's prize - a raffle ticket to be in with a shot of winning a horse-riding experience in Dundee. *whistle*

Team of the Year (involved cheating by moving players into other positions): 

1. Joe Marler (Harlequins); 2. Tom Youngs (Leicester Tigers); 3. Tomas Francis (Exeter Chiefs); 4. Samu Manoa (Northampton Saints); 5. Graham Kitchener (Leicester Tigers); 6. Thomas Waldrom (Exeter Chiefs); 7. James Haskell (Wasps); 8. Nathan Hughes (Wasps); 9. Joe Simpson (Wasps); 10. George Ford (Bath); 11. Chris Wyles (Saracens); 12. Kyle Eastmond (Bath); 13. Jonathan Joseph (Bath); 14. Ken Pisi (Northampton Saints); 15. Alex Goode (Saracens).

Player of the Year:  Jonathan Joseph.  Gets the nod ahead of Ford because he's come from right outside the international reckoning to being the first name on the England team-sheet.  Electric, intelligent and solid in defence - he's probably the most dangerous centre in Europe right now.  Plus he's one of the few players who can genuinely pull off a goose-step and not look like a complete tw*t.

Young Player of the Year:  Henry Slade.  Yes, he looks like he's arrived straight from choir practice, but the Chiefs 10 is as tough as they come and doesn't shirk the rough stuff - as he proved by tackling Rene Ranger with his face last year.  But this season it's his vision, game management and ability to cruise through gaps that have seen him become one of the prized assets in English rugby, helping the Chiefs back into the European big time in the process.  Tip of the cap to Elliot Daly, Maro Itoje and Jack Clifford too.

The "I told you so" Award for Surprising Excellence:  Thomas Waldrom.  Leicester let him go thinking that he was past his best, Waldrom responded by scoring almost as many tries as he has chins- levelling the try-scoring record for touchdowns by a forward in a Premiership season in the process (with 16).  Smart lines, natural strength and uncanny footwork has ensured Waldrom, reinvigorated by his move south, remains one of the best number eights in the league.

This award could also be dished out to the Chiefs team as a whole, who defied a lot of sceptics to have a great season.

The Hold a Finger against your Buttock, Make a 'Tssst' Noise and say 'Still Got It' Award:  Andy Goode.  Ok, I need some better award names, but Goodey has been class all year.  Not as fashionable as Charlie Hodgson or as clean cut as Mark Cueto, nor as suave as Nick Easter, Andy has led the Wasps revival with poise, creativity and deadly accuracy, all the while whilst looking like Friar Tuck. By all accounts, a top bloke as well.  In my view, Wasps are bonkers to let him go.

Individual Performance of the Season:  Andy Goode v Irish.  Let's get this Goodey love-in out of the way - the Wasps man's record points haul of 33 in his club's first game in Coventry, his home town, was part of an almost flawless display.  A well deserved record for the big guy.

Team Performance of the Season:  Bath v Leicester, September.  Of course, I could have picked the playoff game but 'black Saturday' (as I now refer to it) was just jaw-dropping, and not just because of Leicester's eye-burningly bright orange kit.  To nil the Tigers is one thing, but to cut through them with the ease and ambition that Bath did was simply phenomenal.

Try of the Season:  Joe Simpson.  Bath scored some brilliant team efforts against Leicester and Saracens during the year but Simpson's effort was absolutely bonkers.  It was like a rugby computer game where you have an unrealistically fast player and just use him to run sideways and around people...absolutely brilliant to watch.

Hit of the Season:  Samu Manoa v Julian Salvi.  Don't drift sideways when Manoa is around.  The explosion of power is pant-browningly frightening. 

Disappointment of the Season:  I could say Leicester's attacking game but I didn't hold much expectation in the first place after they failed to get a reputable backs coach in.  However, it has to go to London Welsh.  I expected them to go down, but at least push a couple of teams close and show some guts in the process.  Unfortunately Welsh were about as resilient as a wet paper towel - a shame for some of the talented players they had in their ranks.

Irritant of the Season:  Stadium announcers blaring out irrelevant nonsense over the tannoy to try and pump the crowd up.  I've only just accepted music being played at every opportunity after any mundane achievement, but I draw the line at fake drum beats and inane shouts like "Come on you Irish".  To be fair though, at least that makes a modicum of sense, unlike the truly abysmal "Come on you Bath".  The tannoy should be used exclusively for team announcements, substitution details and for telling the owner of the grey Nissan Sentra that his car is being towed with his wife still in it.   It's not for grammatically nonsensical, classless war-cries.

The Danny Care Sh*t Haircut Award:  Jack Nowell.  In fairness, I don't think he straightens it any more but there simply has to be an intervention about that rat's tail.