RuckedOver's Guide to Rugby Scandals

It’s been a tricky couple of months for the Real Beautiful Game, with the game producing more newspaper-worthy scandals than the aftermath of a Silvio Berlusconi get together.  So join RuckedOver for a quick look at what’s been making the headlines, and why....
 

 

The Sam Chalmers Drug Scandal

Being the son of a Tour-winning British & Irish Lions fly half, who also happens to coach the side you’re playing for, would be enough to give you a leg up over your peers when trying to make waves during your first tentative steps in the world of professional rugby – you would think.  Sam Chalmers, however, decided that his superior genetics, 18 years worth of top-quality professional advice from his father, Craig, and a guaranteed spot on daddy’s team had all put him at a serious disadvantage in his fledgling career.  In an effort to counteract the cursed hand that life had dealt him, he attempted to level the playing field by juicing himself up...and promptly getting caught following a random drugs test after a Scotland Under-20 game.

Punishment:  2 years ban from the game and a smacked bottom from daddy.

Column Inches:  Front page news in Melrose.  Nobody else seemed that bothered.

 

The James So’oialo Ball-Bag-Grab

During a typically brutal match between South Africa and Samoa in the Summer Tour series, Samoan full-back James So’oialo decided that he was a bit bored being left out of all the really brutal stuff and helped himself to an impromptu game of conkers with Adriaan Strauss’ love spuds in the depths of a ruck.  The South African hooker was none too pleased with this fondling of his Betty Swallocks – and neither was the citing commissioner, who cited So’oialo for ‘an act contrary to good sportsmanship’.  I say that depends on what sport you’re playing.  Luckily for the Islander though, His Honour Judge Jeff Blackett thought that the contact was accidental, a view that was helped by Strauss – no doubt in a better mood now his plums had been well-iced – conceding that he didn’t think the grab was intentional.

Punishment:  None.

Column Inches:  I’m sure there’s an innuendo to be had here, but otherwise a day of mass hysteria was quickly diffused once we realised there wasn’t a testicle molester lurking around in international rugby.

 

The Leonardo Senatore Nibble

Argentina v South Africa in Mendoza during the second round of the Rugby Championship proved to be quite an eventful game, and also reminded us of the importance of ensuring that you have carb-loaded the night before and eaten correctly on the day of the game.  Number 8, Leonardo Senatore, was apparently not only very hungry, but also had a craving for biltong when the 2 sides lined up in August.  Unfortunately for him, there was no biltong to be found on the pitch, but he did help himself to a juicy slice of lock Eben Etzebeth’s forearm after the South African got him into one of his typically-friendly headlocks.  Luckily for Senatore, a communication malfunction/toilet break for the video referee meant that the man in the middle, Steve Walsh, couldn’t check for foul play – less fortunate was the fact that he was hauled before a Disciplinary Hearing 5 days later to explain himself.

Punishment:  A 9 week ban and an enforced vegetarian diet.

Column Inches:  A fair few, especially in the Southern Hemisphere.  Most hysterically claiming that Senatore actually views international matches as some sort of a buffet.

 

The Pablo Matera Eye Poke

From this incident, and the 2 above, one thing becomes clear – everybody must seriously hate the South Africans.  It doesn’t seem that long ago that Schalk Burger was holding Luke Fitzgerald’s head like a bowling ball or the entire Springbok side launched a headbutt-and-elbows only competition at Twickenham – but now it seems that they’re the ones getting bullied.  In this case, Pablo Matera apparently decided to dabble in his hobby of amateur optometry whilst in a ruck with South African flanker Francois Louw.  Steve Walsh referred the matter to his video referee but it was difficult to tell whether there was contact with the eyes of whether Matera was simply administering and impromptu face-massage.  Either way, it was enough to earn him a trip (well, video conference call) to a Disciplinary Hearing.

Punishment:  None.  An actual eye doctor helped to convince Judicial Officer Terry Willis that there was no proof that a gauge had taken place.

Column Inches:  Lots, owing to the fact that eye gouging is generally viewed as a bit of bad form no matter what side you play for.

 

BUNNYGATE

And now, for the mother of all crimes – the heinous, revolting assault on the credibility of a leader of G8 country by Manu Tuilagi.  At a Lions reception at 10 Downing Street, the victorious squad posed for a couple of photographs with Prime Minister David Cameron, during which time Tuilagi – probably bored of not being in trouble over the last 24 months – briefly popped a disgracefully offensive set of bunny ears behind the PM, with a childish grin on his face.  It may have caused a few more childish grins to those who saw it on Twitter, but it was soon causing mayhem as the press went beserk.  Tuilagi swiftly apologised and Cameron laughed it off equally swiftly , despite rumours that he told an aide “Good job I didn’t see him do that at the time, I’d have f*cking chinned the b*stard”.

Punishment: Unknown.  Despite the fact that big DC has forgiven Tuilagi, it’s generally accepted that he had to – this is Tuilagi we’re talking about.  It may have been a different story if Shane Williams had done it.  Regardless, an entire spectrum of consequences has been proposed ranging from deportation or death by bludgeoning, to a knighthood and lifetime supply of Nandos.

Column Inches:  Hysterical, unlimited and still growing.  The Daily Mail seems to have started holding Tuilagi in the same categories as Delon Armitage, Bakkies Botha and Hitler.  The BBC has made references to this being the ‘latest’ of Tuilagi’s ‘pranks’ – which so far consist of walloping Chris Ahston in the face, wearing a gumshield, and jumping off a boat.  It’s not exactly Beadle’s About, is it?

 

And so, with Tuilagi’s fledgling career in comedy (apparently) hitting the brakes (stick with day job, Manu), we can finally take stock and wonder why the cheeky Samoan-born Englishman has dominated the press over the last few days? 

The tragic point is that a young man with real talent has potentially squandered his career by caving in to the pressures and demands that are placed on aspiring professional players – especially when it comes to size at a young age.  And Sam Chalmer’s story, and the lessons he had learned and, to his credit, attempted to publicise, will probably fall to the wayside because of the press’ obsession with the easy, low-brow news.  I happened to find Manu’s little stunt funny – a harmless piece of fun from a guy who doesn’t take himself too seriously – but this wasn’t news.  And unfortunately it only helps to bury the real issues in the game that need to be addressed.