The Lions Tour is now less than one week away. Cancel any weekend plans over the next 50 days, invent a mysterious illness that keeps you out of the office only on Wednesday mornings (coincidently when the midweek games are to be played) and start drinking milk and eating high-starch meals now so that your stomach is suitably prepared for the onslaught. Yes, this is the most eagerly anticipated event of the whole sporting year and, arguably, of the entire rugby universe – the Lions mean epic drama, quality rugby and almost unbearable levels of banter.
Of course, one of the biggest talking points was Warren
Gatland's initial squad selection and the unlucky souls who missed out on the
biggest opportunity of their careers.
But rarely does a Lions tour go by without somebody being called up as
injury cover and then becoming an integral part of the team – think Martin
Corry in 2001, Ryan Jones in 2005 and Tom Croft in 2009 (they all seem to be
back row players…). 10 days ago, in Part
1 of RuckedOver's "Zero to Hero" guide, we reviewed the fatties and
who would be the gamechanger upon their arrival, with Chris Robshaw the most
likely to save the day. This week, we'll
turn our attention to the fairies out wide – who's going to be as useful as a
condom machine in the Vatican and who's going to need get their cape dry
cleaned?
8 – 10: We're
talking Batman/Ironman territory here (i.e. awesome). The Aussies are praying
this lad doesn't hop on a plane down under and administer their brutal brand of
vigilante justice upon them.
4 – 7: Not
exactly earth-saving but capable of causing a bit of trouble for the bad guys –
along the lines of DareDevil.
0 – 3: Will have
next to no effect. Pants. In superhero terms, on par with Marty – the 5th
'Planeteer' from Captain Planet whose special power was to feel little animal's
feelings.
DANNY CARE. The Harlequins 9 may have comically
little legs and, in my opinion, an abysmal haircut, but there is little doubt
the England scrum half is somewhat unlucky not to be flying to Australia. Before the squad was announced, he was still
in several pundits' starting teams,
but was eventually overlooked for the more physical Conor Murray. Perhaps he paid for a poor showing in the Six Nations, but there is little doubt
that his club form has been sensational – demonstrating his eye for a gap and
searing acceleration throughout the season – and in my view he is unlucky to
lose out to Murray, who didn't exactly excel in this year's internationals
either. But, despite is game-breaking
qualities, he does suffer from one fatal flaw – he can be a bit of a tool. Yes, the drink-driving and public-peeing
incidents are over a year old, but I refuse to believe anyone who has that
monstrosity of a haircut has truly moved on.
Hero Rating: 6/10.
Others: Lloyd Williams: 3/10
Fly Halves
JONNY WILKINSON. Who else?
Ah, Saint Jonny. He can do no
wrong at the moment. He still has his
detractors who complain that he doesn't attack the gainline and that all he
does is kick, which is fair enough to an extent, but when it comes to closing
games out there is simply nobody better in the world. In the Heineken Cup final, it was Wilkinson
who won the territory battle and kicked the vital goals under the most intense
pressure, it was Wilkinson who led the defensive line with a bloody-minded
authority in the last quarter, and it was Wilkinson who did everything required
to win a game his side had no right to.
Would I start him? No chance –
even he has admitted his body effectively held together by a Blue
Peter-inspired concoction of sellotape and sticky-back plastic – but if the
Lions are being pinned back with a lead and are panicking? Then Jonny is your man – not for attacking
rugby, but for the win.
Hero Rating: 10/10.
Others: Charlie Hodgson: 4/10, Dan Biggar: 5/10
Centres
JAMES HOOK. Well, he plays fly half and full back as
well, but I think Hooky's best shot is getting in that 10/12 slot. I wasn't the only one surprised by the lack
of fly halves and ball playing centres in the squad, so Mr Hook can consider
himself pretty unlucky to be left out.
He hasn't exactly been dazzling form for Perpignan but he is a big match
player with soft hands who can unlock defences with his sharp tactical brain,
and is certainly a useful bloke to have around the squad. Any issues?
Well, it seems pretty clear that a) Gatland is going for a 'direct'
approach against the Aussies, which isn't really Hook's forte, and b) Gatland
doesn't really like the bloke, given his continued reluctance to select him for
the national side.
Hero Rating: 7/10
BILLY
TWELVETREES. What a name and what a
season for the Gloucester man.
"36" (Twelve trees, according to Geordan Murphy) has long been
earmarked as a classy player in the middle of the park and he certainly did not
look out of place for England during his debut international season. Twelvetrees offers a similar skillset and
versatility to Hook but also doesn't shirt the physical stuff, being a sizeable
lump himself. The perfect inside centre
you ask? Almost. But a Lions tour would heap a world of
pressure on the ex-Leicester man and that's something he's not always
comfortable with, and he does have a nasty habit of getting himself turned over
in key areas. I have no doubt he'd do a
decent job for the Lions, but a hero?
Not likely.
Hero Rating: 5/10
Others: Scott Williams: 4/10, Matt Scott 3/10.
CRAIG GILROY. The baby-faced assassin from Ulster had a
great breakthrough season at international level, proving himself a fine
finisher as well as the wonderfully balanced runner that we all know he
is. With superb acceleration and
deceptive footwork, the young tyro was edged out of a Lions spot by surprise
shout Sean Maitland and his fellow club/countryman Tommy Bowe. He possibly suffers from being a jack of all
trades – he is not slow but not as quick as Maitland, and he is certainly not
weak but he isn't as powerful or an out-and-out poacher like Bowe, which comes
with experience. He could well make some
waves if he came over, but it's difficult to see him really causing a storm.
Hero Rating: 6/10
CHRIS ASHTON. I know, I know. It became the in thing to criticise Chris Ashton over the Six Nations – and rightly too. In defence, he showed all the aggression of a sponge and, in attack, he was nowhere near as conspicuous as he needs to be. But there is little denying that, on his day, he is one of the best finishers in rugby, popping here there and everywhere and picking gorgeous lines off half breaks whilst hunting for the offload. Of course, he hasn't been 'on his day' internationally for quite some time, but he is at least capable of performing of the highest level if his head's in the right spot. He's also known for being a bit of a character and well-liked by his teammates (believe it or not) so he'd probably be a good addition to the squad as a whole in the humourless reaches down under. Could blow it all with a dropped ball via one of his ridiculous swan-dives, however.
Hero Rating: 8/10 (tackling and non-diving permitting) OR
2/10 (arguably more likely).
Others: Christian Wade: 7/10, Tim Visser: 6/10
Full Back
MIKE BROWN. The Harlequins fullback may look like he
keeps a knife in his socks and uses words like 'blud' and 'safe' on a regular
basis, but the England man is a damned good 15.
Solid under the high ball, powerful in defence and with an eel-like
ability to wriggle out of tackles, Brown is a great asset in defence and
attack, making good yardage on a significant basis. He does, however, lack that little bit of
pace – brutally exposed by Cuthbert back in March – and it is hard to see what
he significantly offers over and above his other rivals. Would do a sterling job if called upon
though.
Hero Rating: 6/10.
Others: Alex Goode: 3/10, Lee Byrne: 3/10.
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