RuckedOver's Guide to Punching on the Rugby Field

Now, on an otherwise quiet Wednesday rugby-wise, I thought it would be appropriate to share a discovery I made on Saturday whilst watching my local club, Southwark Lancers, playing at home in a league match.  I had previously thought I had seen, and fairly often been the victim of, every type of good old-fashioned violence that can be inflicted on the rugby pitch, but at the weekend I was proven wrong by a remarkable punch thrown by an opposition second row. 

The incident came about as our Captain, taking a breather, decided that the ball looked like a comfortable place to rest his backside and so lay there quite contently on the opposition's side of the ruck.  The said lock in question then cleaned his boots on our Captain's back, before being shoved in the chest by our usually-docile flanker in a customary 2-second fit of rage.  What followed was spectacular but, sadly for the opposition, about as effective as a chocolate teapot.  To me, it felt like I was watching a fast bowler steaming in – but in ultra-slow motion – and flinging a straight-elbowed, over-armed fist down like the hammer of Thor into…thin air.  Yes, the cheeky flanker leaned slightly to his left and avoided it with consummate ease although, to be fair, Stevie Wonder would have had little difficulty dodging this one.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you – The Brett Lee, so named because it looked identical to the below (this video is also representative of the punch's actual speed).

 

Once everyone had calmed down, it got me thinking.  With a sport like rugby – where tempers boil over on a regular basis – what other sorts of hits (and misses) have we been treated to over the years?

The 2-inch Jab.  Favoured by burly front row forwards – especially props – who don't really enjoy the effort of swinging a full-flavoured punch, it can nevertheless be effective – despite the short range.  Since front rowers are usually close enough to one another to smell the donuts on their oppositions breath, this is the perfect weapon in the traditional post-scrum tussle, where a short prod with the fist (backed up by 120kg, of course) makes a big statement.  Mastered by Julian White.

 

The Cheap Shot.  Can come in many forms – straight armed, headbutt, gut punch – but the key component is that the opponent must, in no circumstances, be looking at you.  In fact, they should, if possible, not even be aware that you're in close proximity or that they are in any form of trouble whatsoever; ideally, they should be minding their own business – this is the time to strike.  The purpose of the Cheap Shot is something of a mystery.  Yes you may hurt someone, but in the professional game you'll always get cited and banned and, at all levels, you'll simply develop a reputation for yourself as being a bit of a w*nker. Even from your own teammates. No matter how much you try to throw the word "enforcer" around.  Unfortunately, I can't find a video of an all-time classic cheap shot – Federico Mendez on Paul Ackford in 1990 – but you should keep an eye out for that one.  Favoured by hookers, gobby scrumhalves playing in the lower Kent Divisions and South Africans.

The Haymaker.  A classic, thrown wildly with every fibre of your body behind it and backed up by next to no technique.  If it connects, you'll be sure to do some damage to your opponent, but if you miss, you're likely to just to spin around in a circle and twist an ankle.  A close relation to the newly-discovered Brett Lee, a key difference is that, even if you miss, it still looks pretty awesome from a distance.  Favoured by wound-up second rows, number 8s and centres, here's a famous example of one that connected…and kudos to the recipient for staying standing.
 

The Clothesline.  Useful when you want to clock your opponent during play at, or at least around, the same time they have the ball.  This attack contains two vital ingredients.  Firstly, it must be neck high with a swinging arm that would knock a footballers head off.  Secondly, it must be followed immediately by a look of disbelieving innocence when summoned by the referee, and loud protestations that it was just a "mistimed tackle".  A favourite of wingers who have little-man syndrome and don't know how to tackle, as well as the odd old-school, stereotypical Pacific Islander who saves it in their locker for a rainy day.
 

The Nutter.  Classic 70s and 80s technique this, which would now probably be viewed as interpretive dance by many on-lookers.  Involves literally just going crazy, throwing arms around in any which direction, looking spectacular but in all likelihood not really causing a massive amount of damage.  Probably the least efficient technique in terms of effort exerted to reward gained, but a real crowd pleaser none the less.  A classic move of the blindside flanker or lock, but is seen rarely these days – witness expert Nutter Mike Teague (Lions number 6) showing us how it's done in 1989.